How to BEcome more Emotionally Intelligent right now

Emotional intelligence is an important skill that enables you to understand, manage, and use your emotions to understand life’s challenges and opportunities. In both personal and professional environments, emotional intelligence (often called EQ) plays a role in creating better relationships, improving your decision-making, and increasing overall well-being. But how do you develop these skills?

In this guide, I’ll share practical tips on emotional intelligence, mixing in research-based techniques with my own experiences. Let’s start with a simple but essential question:

How Are You Feeling Right Now?

Push back from your screen for a moment and ask yourself this question: How am I feeling right now? It’s easy to give a quick answer like “I’m fine” or “I’m okay,” but those responses are often surface-level and don’t reflect your true emotional state.

Take a minute to pause and go deeper. How do you really feel?

If your answer is something like, “I feel frustrated that this project isn’t progressing,” that’s a start, but it’s still just a judgment. A true feeling goes beyond thoughts or judgments. You might actually be feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or even discouraged.

Why Should You Pay Attention to Your Emotions?

You might think, “I’m too busy to focus on how I feel, I have things to do.” But ignoring your emotions doesn’t make them go away; in fact, it can often lead to more problems down the line. Unidentified emotions have a way of surfacing, usually in ways that harm your relationships or productivity. Have you ever snapped at someone because you were secretly feeling stressed but hadn’t acknowledged it? That’s a perfect example.

Recognising your emotions not only helps prevent negative outcomes but also gives you greater control over your behaviour. Once you identify how you’re feeling, you can use those emotions constructively rather than letting them simmer below the surface.

Tuning In: The First Step to Emotional Intelligence

Becoming more emotionally intelligent starts with tuning in to your inner world. This means paying attention to your emotions without judgment. Your feelings, whether they are good or bad, carry important messages.

Here’s how you can begin developing greater emotional awareness:

Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step is recognising that all emotions, even uncomfortable ones like anger or sadness, are valid. Instead of brushing them aside, acknowledge them and accept them as part of your experience. You can’t heal what you don’t feel.
Explore Your Emotions
Once you’ve identified how you feel, dive deeper. Ask yourself questions like, “What does this emotion feel like physically? Where did it come from?” This helps you connect with your emotions.

Understand the Need Behind the Emotion
Every emotion serves a purpose and signals an unmet need. For example, if you’re feeling anxious, you may need more security or clarity about a situation. If you’re feeling lonely, maybe you need more social connection. Understanding the root of your emotions helps you to address the underlying need.

Practical Steps to Increase Emotional Intelligence

Now that you’re more aware of your feelings, let’s explore some actionable ways to enhance your emotional intelligence.

1. Self-Awareness

Emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness. This means being mindful of your emotions and how they influence your thoughts and actions. The more aware you are of your emotional state, the better equipped you’ll be to manage your behaviour in challenging situations.

Take Time for Reflection: Journaling is a great way to reflect on your daily emotions. Write down how you felt throughout the day, what triggered those emotions (if you can easily figure that out), and how you responded.
Observe Your Triggers: Pay attention to situations or people that cause strong emotional reactions. Understanding your triggers is key to managing your emotional responses more effectively.

2. Practice Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s an essential component of emotional intelligence that fosters better relationships and communication.

Listen: When someone is speaking, focus on truly understanding their perspective rather than thinking about how you’ll respond. This helps you connect with others on a deeper emotional level.
Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Try to imagine how someone else feels in a given situation. This simple mental exercise can help you become more attuned to the emotions of those around you. Before you step into their shoes, remember to take your own off first!

3. Regulate Your Emotions

Being emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean you never feel negative emotions, it means you know how to manage them. Emotional regulation involves recognising when you’re emotionally charged and finding constructive ways to cope.

Use Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness can help you stay present and prevent you from being overwhelmed by strong emotions. Deep breathing exercises, for instance, can help you calm down in moments of stress or anger.
Delay Reacting: If you feel emotionally triggered, give yourself time before responding. Whether it’s a few deep breaths or taking a walk, this pause helps you react thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
Signpost: If you are feeling upset, irritated etc it can help to share that, eg: “I’m aware that I am feeling irritated, I’m working to manage it within myself so that it doesn’t escalate.”

4. Build Stronger Social Connections

Emotionally intelligent people excel in social interactions because they are in tune with their own emotions as well as the emotions of others.

Develop Active Listening Skills: Listening goes beyond hearing words. Practice listening not only to what someone says but also to the emotions behind their words. This helps foster deeper connections. Listen in for their unmet needs too. Maybe someone asking for a raise is actually a need to feel recognised for their contribution.
Work on Communication: Be clear and direct in expressing your emotions, but also be mindful of how others may feel. Emotional intelligence involves expressing yourself in ways that are respectful and constructive.

The Power of Naming Your Emotions

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or frustrated, naming your emotions can be incredibly empowering. By identifying and labelling your feelings, you create a sense of control and can start to take constructive action.

Here’s an exercise you can try right now:

Grab a Pen and Paper
Use the Emotional Wheel (pictured below): Write down how you’re feeling. Try to find words that truly capture your emotions—are you feeling irritated, discouraged, or perhaps joyful.
Ask Why: For each emotion, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” Understanding the cause of your feelings will help you address the root of your emotions. Don’t effort too much here, if it’s not obvious why you feel Grief, that’s ok, just be with the grief.
Identify Your Needs: For every emotion, ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” For instance, if you’re feeling stressed, maybe you need a break or more clarity on a situation.

James O'Halloran

As a Business Coach I help Founders* and those in Career Transition unlock problems and increase self-mastery so that they are confident in their direction and leadership. Through Career and Business Coaching, I help people who want to disrupt the(ir) status quo.