A Dark Night of the Soul can look and feel like depression. It’s an intense and often confusing period where aspects of life that once made sense no longer do. You may experience uncertainty, fear, sadness, and a sense of disconnect from the passions and people you once cared about. But a Dark Night of the Soul is more than just emotional or mental turmoil, it’s a profound spiritual transformation.
In this article, I’ll explore the key signs of a Dark Night of the Soul, how it differs from depression, and why this process, while deeply challenging, offers an opportunity for ego dissolution and personal growth. This isn’t just something abstract or theoretical, this is a journey I’ve gone through myself and have helped many others navigate.
What is a Dark Night of the Soul?
A Dark Night of the Soul is marked by 6 distinct qualities. It is the progressive ‘emptying out’ of the ego. And let me tell you, it is not a walk in the park!
- You feel baffled
Aspects of your life no longer make sense. There can be uncertainty, indecision, fear, pain, sadness, anxiety, worry, negativity, and sometimes even hopelessness. - Passion withers
Things (projects, hobbies or even people) that used to excite you just don’t have the same appeal anymore. - Aversion sets in
You might become irritable and even highly judgmental, both of yourself and others. Events or behaviours that previously didn’t bother you may now provoke strong feelings of dislike or even rage. You may even take a sudden dislike to people you’ve known for years. - Your system can feel toxic
At times, it may feel like your system has become toxic. You could experience intense emotions such as grief, anger, confusion, apathy, stress, fear and pain on a level you never thought possible. - Lack of guidance
Your inner guidance system may feel like it has shut off. Imagine booting up your computer and the operating system just doesn’t load—how would you do anything? Similarly, your internal values, beliefs and drives may feel like they’ve vanished or lost their influence. - Memory loss
It’s very common for people to find that they can’t recall in the same way that they used to. This can be worrying as it can feel like age related decline (already!) or early onset dementia or alzheimer’s.
If you resonate with the above, you may be asking:
“Why is this happening to me?”
“What’s going on?”
To understand, let’s take a closer look at the role of the ego.
Understanding the Ego
The ego is our unconscious and conditioned self. It’s where most of us operate from most of the time. When we’re not in our ego, life feels different; quieter, calmer, more peaceful, with a sense of ease and flow.
The ego is essentially a collection of reactions, thoughts, and feelings that start to form when we’re just six months old. By the time we’re two, the ego is already running the show.
The ego is a clever aspect of the mind. As we develop, learn and grow we commit the patterns and sequences of events to a program that sits in memory in a way that uses up very little resource and can even be run unconsciously.
Recall when you were learning to drive, you needed to be so focused and conscious in order to move and safely manoeuvre the car. Eventually, a load of programs were written in your brain and you learned ‘off by heart’. How powerful!
These days you can relax while driving and even have enough capacity to do other things like follow the sat nav, listen to a podcast or help your kid with their homework. All of this would have been fairly impossible to do on your first day behind the wheel. Nice one ego; thank you for making our life easier!
When the Ego Becomes Problematic
The ego also learned negative reactive patterns. For example, if your mum made a few frequent comments at mealtimes when you were young you may now always finish everything on your plate even if you are full. Or you may have learned from the adults around you that there is never time to relax because there is always something that needs to be done.
The ego keeps growing and evolving as we get older. Through bringing in awareness and conscious choice you may decide that you don’t need to finish every morsel of food on your plate. But not all of the ego programs are as easy to shed.
A time can come when it begins to dawn on us that the unconscious choices we’ve been merrily making are not the best. Perhaps the determination to create your business was covert vanity, it may have been about the accumulation of money or success or stature. The reason you stay in a job you’re not good at within an organisation you despise may be because your ego learned that security and stability are of the utmost importance.
Yes, the ego can be pretty dysfunctional. So we can understand why so many of us have it in for our egos. Ironically though, it’s only ever our ego that wants to get rid of our ego… It’s only our ego that has a problem with our actions or the actions of other people.
Yes, our ego can be problematic!
What Triggers a Dark Night of the Soul?
A Dark Night of the Soul can be triggered by various life events:
- Death
The death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the ‘death’ of a job, or even a major health crisis can trigger it. - Mid-life crisis
A phase of disillusionment, which these days can come much earlier than mid-life. - Significant life change
Events such as the birth of a child, buying a house, or retirement can act as catalysts. - Awakening
This can be a fleeting moment where the chattering of the mind stops and life suddenly feels more vibrant. This moment of awakening can feel like everything is dialed up, richer and brighter.
Navigating the Dark Night of the Soul
A Dark Night of the Soul is an opportunity to confront the shadow aspects of our ego, the parts that don’t serve us or humanity. So, how can you handle this period of profound change?
- Appreciate the process
Recognise that many people before you have gone through this and many more will after you. Being aware that you’re experiencing ego dissolution can be empowering. - Allow it to happen
The more you resist this process, the longer it will last. Resistance is persistence! It’s your choice how to respond, but trying to distract yourself from it might prolong the suffering. - Neuroplasticity can be exhausting
Your mind is rewiring itself, which can be taxing. Support yourself with good sleep and nutrition. Rest when you can. Nourish yourself. - Exercise regularly
Physical activity helps get you out of your head. Whether it’s cardio, strength training, or something else, pushing yourself physically can release endorphins and improve your mood. - Ground yourself
Engage in grounding activities like meditation, yoga, tai chi, or journaling. These practices can help you connect to the present moment. - Talk to someone
If you know someone who understands what a Dark Night of the Soul is, speak to them. If not, consider reaching out to a coach like me for guidance through this challenging time.
How to survive A Dark Night of the Soul?
The key is to embrace the lessons while still showing up for your life. Avoid getting too busy or distracting yourself. Tempting as it may be, withdrawing entirely won’t help either. The goal is to stay present and integrate the changes happening within you.
One last thing. It is not uncommon to become suicidal as part of going through a Dark Night of The Soul. The best piece of advice I can give in this circumstance is: “If you are going through hell, keep going” or “Fake it ‘til you make it”. It’s also helpful to understand that ‘Part’ of you (or your life) probably does need to ‘die’ eg a job or relationship or behaviour but not all of you.
Like everything in life a Dark Night’ is a phase, it will not last forever and the reason you want to die is that your ego can sense that it is diminishing or dying so it’s your ego that is terrified and not you (in the holistic sense). Believe it or not, this is a marker of progress through the Dark Night’. Take the steps listed above and call Samaritans if you are very close to the edge: 116 123!
How I Can Help You Navigate a Dark Night of the Soul
Having experienced several Dark Nights of the Soul myself, I know how difficult this journey can be. Regular contact with someone who understands can make a huge difference. I can help you keep your work and personal life on track while guiding you through this transformative process. Ultimately I help you cut through the noise, and apathy and help you find and tune into your own inner guidance system.
Book a trial session with me and let’s work through this together.
Yours sincerely,
James O’Halloran
