The Desire to Control Ego
Knowing about ego and spending time increasing awareness of mine and that of my clients, it can feel like the job is to expunge the ego. Or, to cut out the ego. Or, to pull out the weed of the ego, roots and all. That would be better, right?
So when I see my kid’s ego develop and harden in front of my eyes, it feels like it’s my duty to stifle that growth, to put weed killer all over it. Isn’t it my job as a reputable member of society to ‘positively’ influence my kids to ensure that they are mannerly, respectful, and not too selfish?
A New Perspective on Ego
Well, I was reflecting on this, and on something my Spiritual teacher Adyashanti talks about. He said something along the lines of: “Ego is not an evolutionary mistake. It is not something that we need to get away from and abhor. Ego is an evolutionary process.” Our ego develops from about 2 years old, when we begin to experience ‘me’ as separate from you/mummy/others. Our ego helps us navigate life and look after ourselves. It keeps us safe.
However, as we mature, there’s also an invitation to let go of some of the constraints, rules, and fears that our ego holds and keeps alive for us. It is possible to outgrow or transcend our ego, and we all do that to varying degrees. But this made me wonder… If Adyashanti is right (and he’s the wisest person I’ve ever encountered, so I believe he is) and the ego isn’t a ‘thing’ but more of a process, does that mean I shouldn’t stifle my children’s ego at all? Should I refrain from shaping their behaviour too much?
The Role of Ego in Parenting
I’ve been grappling with this idea. If I fully support my kids to be who they are and nurture their natural evolution with minimal interference, could it be that they would outgrow or “burn out” their ego structure much sooner than if I imposed more conditioning on them about how they should or shouldn’t behave in the world?
This got me thinking… What part of me believes that I have it right? That I know these kids need to be mannerly and kind if it’s the last thing I do? Ah, yes — that’s my ego talking. Maybe, just maybe, if I allowed more space for my kids to explore their own selfishness and don’t suppress it too much, they’d learn for themselves. They’d figure out that when you always insist on playing by your own rules, people might not want to play with you.
Perhaps the best job I can do as a dad is to be there when nobody wants to play with my child because of how forcefully they insist on their way. I could gently and lovingly help them explore why this might be happening. This idea is really changing how I view my role as a parent.
Parenting Challenges and Ego
Can I step back when my son is being mean to his younger sister? Can I find a way not to get annoyed when my daughter won’t hurry to eat her breakfast, making us late for school and me late for work? After all, she is wonderfully present in that moment, fully immersed in whatever toy she holds.
Ooft! It’s tricky… 😬
Just for the record, my kids don’t have so many rules that other kids won’t play with them! But I’ve seen other kids do this… — said James’ ego 🫠🤣
Experimenting with Ego in Parenting
I think I’ll try a few experiments with my kids and see how it feels to let their ego come into its own. It’s probably going to be uncomfortable, and maybe I won’t even like their behaviour at times… But I guess we’ll see. Maybe you’ve already crossed this road and have some answers? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Message me and help me be a better dad and citizen. 🙏🏻
